Scene: A Hollywood boardroom. A dozen large marines stuff themselves into plush leather chairs, facing their angry, bald staff sergeant.
Sergeant: All right men, we're here to make a movie about some aliens. That's right: little, green men from Mars with googly eyes, tentacles, dripping slime from every orifice. Now, the boys at HQ tell me they can't afford to show all this gooey alien stuff. So, what we gonna do?
Corporal: Sir, yes sir. How about we cover the aliens in battle armour, sir?
Sergeant: Excellent! Computers love drawing battle armour. Now, this isn't going to be one of your namby, pamby, Jodie Foster or Carl Sagan, reach out and hold hands, alien hippie love-fest kind of film. This is an action thriller. We're talking combat. I want Black Hawk Down meets District 9.
Sergeant, cont'd: Now, we need a good range of cannon fodder to offer up to the audience. I'm looking for clichéd, yet heart warming characters who will compromise the soldiers heading off to fight this alien threat. Suggestions?
Corporal: How about a lieutenant, fresh out of officer training school, sir?
Sergeant: Good start. And?
Corporal: He kisses his pregnant wife goodbye as he heads off to work.
Sergeant: Classic. Tragic. I like it. What else?
Corporal: A geek who wears ugly glasses -- we'll call him Specs. He's about to be married.
Sergeant: Promising. I need more, gentlemen. This is two-hour film. There's gonna to be a high body count.
Corporal: Um, a nervous, young virgin, straight from Kansas. A shell-shocked Iraq War vet. A cocky bruiser from Brooklyn.
Sergeant: What about diversity? Come on, men, this is 2011.
Corporal: Sir, it's been six months since Michelle Rodriguez played a tough girl in a film.
Sergeant: Sounds like our new intelligence officer.
Corporal: Sir, how about a doctor? One who came to the U.S. from Nigeria for get medical training. We'll call him ... Doc!
Sergeant: Good enough. Now, we need one recognizable Hollywood star -- a weary, Harrison Ford-type, but at one-quarter his salary.
Corporal: Sir, what about Aaron Eckhart? He's rugged and the right age. Played Two-Face.
Sergeant: Excellent work, corporal. We'll make Eckhard the tired veteran, looking to finish his tour with a couple of weeks of easy state-side training.
Sergeant, cont'd: Now, listen up people! The CGI geeks blew most of the budget making those pretty mushroom clouds we littered the trailers with. So although this is an alien invasion, we're going to shoot most of it on the streets. Our director is a horror guy and should be good for lots of spooky sounds and suspense. We'll get War of the Worlds, but without the distracting poignancy and meaningful subtext.
Sergeant, cont'd: Now, get me some wall-to-wall music. I want hand-held cameras shot and enough editing to induce seizures. When we're through, we'll make Michael Bay look like a God damn Communist. Now let's go show E.T. what marines are made of. Oo-rah!
Rating: two-and-a-half flaming fireballs out of five
